


Home for Christmas

by leebees



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Anxious Katsuki Yuuri, Arguing, Character's Name Spelled as Viktor, Christmas, Christmas Fluff, Depressed Victor Nikiforov, Determined Katsuki Yuuri, Established Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, I literally listened to home for christmas on repeat, Implied Sexual Content, Internal Conflict, Internal Monologue, M/M, Married Katsuki Yuuri/Victor Nikiforov, Mutual Pining, POV Katsuki Yuuri, POV Multiple, POV Victor Nikiforov, Pining Katsuki Yuuri, Pining Victor Nikiforov, Post-Season/Series 01, References to Depression, Relationship Issues, Relationship Problems, Running Away, Songfic, They love each other so much, Touch-Starved, a lot of crying, such a bop
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-16
Updated: 2017-11-16
Packaged: 2019-02-03 02:28:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12739155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leebees/pseuds/leebees
Summary: Viktor doesn’t know why, or what it was exactly that makes him so closed off this time of year. It seems to get worse each year. He used to find himself dreading his birthday, now it seems he dreads the entire month as a whole. Maybe he has Seasonal Affective Disorder, he doesn’t know. Yuuri used to make it better. He’d hold Viktor close and whisper to him that everything would be okay, and I’m here, I love you. He hasn’t done that this year. Not that Viktor blames him, it’s his fault really and Yuuri always does what he can. No matter how rocky their relationship has become, Yuuri still tries.





	Home for Christmas

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [21 Guns (You and I)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12134436) by [AllegroCrescendo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AllegroCrescendo/pseuds/AllegroCrescendo). 
  * A translation of [Home for Christmas](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/340416) by MrsLadyNight. 



> I listened to Home for Christmas covered by Maria Mena so maybe listen to that while you read this for The Full Effect™.

 

 

Viktor doesn’t know why, or what it was exactly that makes him so closed off this time of year. It seems to get worse each year. He used to find himself dreading his birthday, now it seems he dreads the entire month as a whole. Maybe he has Seasonal Affective Disorder, he doesn’t know. Yuuri used to make it better. He’d hold Viktor close and whisper to him that _everything would be okay,_ and _I’m here, I love you._ He hasn’t done that this year. Not that Viktor blames him, it’s his fault really and Yuuri always does what he can. No matter how rocky their relationship has become, Yuuri still tries.

 

It infuriates Viktor sometimes. He’s treated Yuuri like shit and he still goes out of his way to let him know that he still cares. He’s trying to understand why. How was Yuuri still here? After everything he had put him through, there’s still a cup of coffee waiting for him when he gets up–albeit alone–and he’s still there waiting to walk home with him–even if the entire journey is spent in silence.  

 

It’s December twentieth. Already he can feel a deeper shift in the already rough terrain. Yuuri has hardly spoken to him since his birthday a couple weeks ago. Viktor has unintentionally been giving him the cold shoulder. He just doesn’t know what to say. Sorry doesn’t seem like it’s enough anymore. He’s waiting on Yuuri to leave, to walk out on him like everyone else has.

 

He needs to do something. He doesn’t know what to do. It kind of feels like an irreversible damage in a way. He doesn’t remember the last time he saw Yuuri laugh.

 

He opens his eyes for the first time this morning. Yuuri is gone, like usual. They haven’t woken up together in months. He can only pray that there will still be coffee waiting for him when he gets to the kitchen. He can’t hear the shower running which is odd. Yuuri is always in the shower when he wakes up. His heart rate begins to pick up speed. _God, please, no._

 

He jumps out of bed, practically sprinting to the kitchen. _Please._ He’s never been so reliant on a cup of coffee before, not even on their honey moon when they hadn’t slept all night and had reservations all day the next day. He wishes he could get back to that time. Viktor releases a huge sigh. His eyes even start watering. The cup. It’s there. There’s also a note.

 

_Took Makka on a run. Might run some errands after practice, don’t wait up._

He remembers when Yuuri would add kisses to the ends of his notes. He remembers when Yuuri would wake him up and tell him his plans and ask if Viktor wanted to join. He remembers when he always said yes, and went with him.

 

He feels hopeless. This is what it’s come to. A note telling him he’ll be gone all day and not to wait up. No ‘I love you.’ They hadn’t said I love you in a while. When had everything gone to shit like this? He remembers the last time they made love. It was weeks ago, and before that time, it was about month before they’d done it. But in past year every time they would, Yuuri had turned away and cried after it was over thinking Viktor was asleep. Only, Viktor was awake, and instead of comforting him, he just let him cry alone. He didn’t feel like he had a right to help him, not when he was the person responsible. They haven’t been intimate since, Viktor didn’t know how to initiate conversation these days, much less sex. And he didn’t know if he could bear seeing him cry like that one more time.

 

He has to fix this. He doesn’t know how, but this has to stop. He doesn’t know exactly when they became so distant, he doesn’t remember exactly why. He just knows that Viktor was the source. Maybe it was last Christmas, when Yuuri tried so hard to help him. He treated him like he was the most important person in the universe. Perhaps Yuuri really believed he was. Viktor couldn’t handle it. He retracted into himself after that. He shut Yuuri out, and never figured out how to let him back in once he snapped out of his funk.

 

He crumbles the note in his hand and throws it away. He vows to let this be the last note he receives without kisses with his coffee. He’s going to wait up for Yuuri tonight.

 

Yuuri is gone by the time Viktor gets out of the shower. He can’t go on like this.

 

Yuuri doesn’t know why the universe hates him. He doesn’t understand and he’s tried for so long to help Viktor, he’s tried for so long to be there. He doesn’t know how much longer he can take. How much longer will he be snapped at for flubbing a jump, or joking around with Yuri during his breaks? He’s tried being patient with him, but it’s been a _year._ A God awful year at that. He can’t take anymore sleepless nights wondering when Viktor will finally get sick of him. He can’t take anymore showers spent crying his eyes out because his life has fallen apart right in front of his eyes.

 

He remembers when they got married and it took them so long to legally change their names because both of them wanted to take the others surname. It took them forever to figure out that they could just hyphenate them. He used to feel so much joy when his name was called to perform and they said _Yuuri Katsuki-Nikiforov._ Now he just feels empty.

 

He tries so hard to hold it together, to wait it out. He tells himself that this will pass, that it will get better, and everything will be okay. He catches himself thinking that maybe this is it. Maybe this it over, and maybe those first few happy years is all he’ll ever get.

 

He makes Viktor coffee. He makes him a cup every morning and he prays that while he has no clue where to begin talking to him, this stupid cup of coffee will get his point across. He still loves Viktor. He always will. But where does it stop? This feeling of walking on eggshells, this fear that he’ll say or do one thing out of line, and they’re through. He has to end this. He can’t take it. He has to do something for himself.

 

So he makes Viktor coffee, and he also writes him a note. He tells him not to wait up, because if it goes accordingly, there will be nothing to wait for. He’s decided enough is enough. Their flame has been flickering weakly for a long time, struggling for air. He decides it’s time to call it quits.

 

This choice is hard to come by for Yuuri. He’s never been a quitter, he’s never given up on anything really, no matter how many times he’s thought about it. It’s the only quality he’s ever really liked about himself.

 

So after practice he’s going to go get a suitcase and some things he’ll need to travel, and he’s going to go get on a one-way flight back to Japan. It’s going to hurt like a bitch, but this is the right choice. If no matter how hard he tries, nothing changes, he needs to do what’s best for himself for once in his life.

 

If nothing else, he’s going home for Christmas.

 

He doesn’t know how Viktor feels, he hasn’t truly spoken to Yuuri in a while. He doesn’t know if he’s sad, or happy, or content, or lonely. He picks up context clues, he has an idea, but as far as Yuuri knows, Viktor could just be annoyed that he’s still around. He doesn’t remember the last time Viktor told him he loved him.

 

So during practice, he does what Viktor tells him to do, he works on his jumps and tries not to fall. He doesn’t talk to Yuri; he thinks it will just make his decision harder. He’s exhausted by the time practice is over, and he hasn’t spoken a word to Viktor. He’s been trying to avoid as much conversation as possible. That’s usually how his practices go anyway. They’ve been like that for months. People don’t comment on it anymore. The last thing he needs today is for Viktor to say something to him. Of course, that’s what Yuuri gets. (The universe must hate him.)

 

“Yuuri!” Viktor calls to him. His name sounds foreign coming out of his mouth. Yuuri looks up, reasonably shocked.

 

“Yes?” That must have been the first word his spoken to him all week. He’s hardly spoken at all if he’s honest. As a whole, Yuuri feels so desperately lonely.

 

“Do you–um, well–I was wondering if maybe, well–do you need help with your errands?” Viktor asks. He seems to be unconsciously making himself appear small. The sight is heart-wrenching. _And no, God no, he doesn’t need help with his errands._

 

“Um, no, that’s alright,” Yuuri says in a stupor. _This can’t be happening._

 

“Oh, well, if you’re sure, I’ll see you tonight,” Viktor stutters. “I guess.”

 

“Yeah.” And that’s the first conversation they’ve had since about two weeks ago, when Viktor got on his case about flubbing his triple axel.

 

Yuuri remembers when he used to be able to talk with Viktor for hours. He wants that back. He wants to forget his errands, and run to Viktor and kiss him senseless and go home and bang it out until he can’t walk tomorrow, but that’s unrealistic. Viktor has been so close yet so far away for too long. He’s waited and waited for a change, for some hope, a sign for him to grab a hold of and cling to. All he gets is a harsh bitter coldness from his husband.

 

He doesn’t want a divorce. That’s the last thing on his mind. He just needs some time with his family. He thinks about this the whole time he’s shopping, trying to justify in his mind what he’s doing. This is for himself. He’s doing this for him. Sure, he could’ve handled it better, he could have talked to Viktor first, but it’s not like he would listen, right?

 

And he realizes at this moment, as he sits in a taxi on his way to the airport, that his family is Viktor’s too. He’s leaving him on his birthday, on Christmas, and Viktor doesn’t really celebrate it in December, but he does his best for Yuuri, because Yuuri loves Christmas and he loves Yuuri–or he did. He’s on his way to board an airplane heading to Japan without Viktor with him, and Viktor doesn’t know where he is.

 

Maybe Viktor doesn’t love him anymore, but anyone in their right mind would be concerned if their spouse just _disappeared_ like that, regardless of where they are in their relationship.

 

What is he _thinking?_ Has he just been in a daze for weeks, thinking that _oh, yeah, the man I vowed to spend the rest of my life with won’t care that I just disappeared without a note._

 

Maybe Viktor doesn’t love him anymore, but he won’t do this him. Maybe Viktor wouldn’t care at all, but he won’t risk it. Because he loves that motherfucker more than anything in the world, and good God, _what on earth was he thinking?_ He’s not giving up without a fight. He’s not going to be the one to blame for their relationship crashing and burning. If he has to fight and yell and scream and sob to get a reaction from Viktor, to get _something,_ he won’t be the one to blame, and he won’t be the one to walk out. If Viktor wants him gone, he’s going to stop being a little bitch and say it to his face.

 

When the taxi stops at the airport, it’s dark outside. Viktor has definitely noticed his unexplained absence by now, if he had bothered to wait up, even though he told him not to. He probably didn’t. He hasn’t been getting any texts though, so if he _is_ waiting up for him, he doesn’t seem to care much that it’s been about five hours since practice ended.

 

He just stands outside the airport for a few minutes taking deep breaths, trying to gather himself and let what he was about to do sink in. After about twenty more minutes, he takes his phone out and cancels his flight. Maybe he could go back to Japan for Christmas next year. Hopefully Viktor would be there, too. Yuuri prays Viktor will be there, too. He doesn’t want to lose him.

 

He gets in another taxi and begins the hour long journey back to the apartment. He’s going to go home and demand Viktor listen to him. He’s going to tell him precisely how he’s felt for the past year, what he was about to do, and exactly where Viktor can stick his rude comments and cold attitude. Then, he is going to kiss his stupid face like there was no tomorrow because there almost wasn’t.

 

Viktor has been worried sick. He managed to speak to Yuuri after practice. He wanted more than anything to go out and help Yuuri with his errands and talk to him. He wants to work out the kinks in the relationship. The kinks that he had caused but is more than willing to fix. He was trying to work up the courage all morning and all practice to ask and he was turned down.

 

It hurt, he isn’t going to lie, but he told himself that was fine. Instead, he went to the grocery store and bought all the ingredients to make Katsudon. A peace offering, he supposes. He makes it and he tries it and it’s good and he hopes Yuuri likes it.

 

He waits for Yuuri to get home. He waits a long time. He checks the clock every five minutes. By eight o’ clock, he starts getting worried. By nine thirty, he’s freaking out. He wants to call Yuuri, in fact he goes to call him several times, but stops himself. He was told not to wait up and the food was supposed to be a surprise, but something could be really wrong. Something could have happened. His hands are shaking, his heart is racing and by the time he does call, Yuuri’s phone goes straight to voicemail.

 

It’s ten fifteen now. He’s crying so hard; he doesn’t know what to do. As he paces the floor, he thinks back to the first year they had together. They were so happy. They were always touching, laughing, _talking._ He misses that. He misses Yuuri so much. He doesn’t know what’s taking Yuuri so long, he doesn’t know if he’s hurt, if he’s dead, if he left him. All he knows is that he wants it back.

 

He wants the memories back. He wants to dance with Yuuri while it’s raining outside and there’s no music playing. He wants to cook with Yuuri as they listen to the Ratatouille soundtrack. He wants to hold Yuuri all night while they talk about absolutely nothing and everything. He wants to kiss Yuuri until all the horrible memories of the past year are erased. He wants to believe there’s hope.

 

But right now, Yuuri is gone. He doesn’t know where he is, he doesn’t know what to do. What if their conversation earlier is the last time he gets to talk to him? And what if these past five years are all he gets? He wants more, he wants Yuuri. He wants things to go back to the way they were.

 

It’s ten thirty when Yuuri walks in the door, carrying his skating bag and two suit cases. Viktor has never been more relieved and confused in his life. He’s just glad Yuuri is safe.

 

“Oh, thank God!” Viktor lets out a breath. He forgets about how long it’s been, he forgets about calculating, he forgets about figuring out where to begin. He throws himself onto Yuuri, his bags falling to the floor with a big _thump._ He feels Yuuri hug him back and his sobs pick back up. “Where have you been? I tried calling you, you never answered.”

 

“What?” Yuuri mumbles, very surprised by Viktor’s reaction. “I mean, I guess my phone died on the way home, um, I’ve been, um . . .”

 

“We need to talk. There’s no room for arguing, I made Katsudon as a peace offering. It’s probably cold by now but we’re going to eat it, and then I’m going to talk, and then you’re going to talk. Okay?” Viktor says all in one breath. He’s still holding onto Yuuri. He’s missed holding him. They’ve both been so lonely and starved of each other. _No more,_ they both think.

 

They eat in silence, and for the first time in months, it’s not uncomfortable.

 

“Yuuri, I’m sorry,” Viktor says after they’re done eating. Still sitting next to each other at the kitchen island, he continues, “I don’t know what to say or how to say it, but I’ve been terrible to you. I don’t have an excuse, not really. At first I was just sad, maybe I was depressed, I don’t know. After that, I just didn’t know how to bring it up and you were trying so hard, and I didn’t think I deserved it. I still don’t. I don’t think I could deserve you in a million life times, and I don’t know how you’re still here, but I’m so glad you are. I’m so sorry. I don’t want to lose you. I don’t–I don’t think I could handle it. I’ll spend eternity making it up to you. I don’t expect you to forgive me. I just need you to listen. I love you. I love you so much it hurts. I’m sorry it’s been so long since I’ve said it. I love you more than anything. I love you, I love you, I love you. I’ll prove it to you. I’ll do whatever you want. Just please, I know I don’t deserve it, but don’t leave me.”

 

Yuuri stares at him for a few seconds, tears quietly rolling down his cheeks. This isn’t what he was expecting. He thought Viktor was asleep. He thought he was going to have to wake him up. He didn’t think Viktor had noticed. Coming home to dinner and Viktor crying was a huge surprise. It touched him in a way. What shocked him the most is that Viktor still _loves_ him.

 

“Viktor . . . I don’t know what to say. I’ve been dreaming of hearing you say this for months, I–I had an entire monologue planned out. I thought I was going to have to wake you up to talk to you, I didn’t think you’d wait up, and I–I was about to–” He was so prepared to say it. He was so fired up and angry, he thought he would scream it at the world. But now, he doesn’t know how to say it. Viktor looks so tired and devastated. How is he supposed to tell him that just hours before, he was fully prepared to walk out and never look back? Just days before his birthday as well, Yuuri feels so guilty, even though he knows that he had every right. He’d talked to Phichit and Mari about it. Yuri had even made a few side comments about how he didn’t understand why he stuck around.

 

“What? You were about to what? You can tell me. God, Yuuri, you can tell me anything. I owe you that much. Yell at me, scream your lungs out, I don’t care, just don’t shut me out. Please. I know that’s hypocritical of me to say, I’m sorry,” Viktor says. He’d hardly stopped crying since Yuuri had been home. Yuuri shakes his head. How did they make such a mess of everything?

 

“I was going to leave you. Five days before your birthday, and I was fully prepared, I had it worked out, I bought a ticket, I was at the airport, and I–” Yuuri feels sick. “I know it’s terrible, I know, but I just needed a break. And I was angry–I thought that you didn’t deserve an explanation for where I went. I thought that you wouldn’t care. I kept telling myself that all I wanted was to be home for Christmas. I wanted to be with my family.” Yuuri forces himself to look up into Viktor’s tear-flowing eyes. They aren’t angry. They’re sad, but he knows that Viktor understands. He hates that. That’s not how a normal person should react to their husband telling them they were going to leave them.

 

“On the way to the airport, all I could think was how they’re your family, too. I kept thinking that I always want them to be your family. I realized that even though our relationship right now is by no means healthy, if we’re both willing to work together, it can get better. I am one hundred percent willing. But most importantly I realized that if I wanted to go home for Christmas, Japan wasn’t where I needed to go. I love you to death, Viktor Katsuki-Nikiforov, and you are my home. It’s been so hard. I know. I love you so much. That won’t change. But we can’t keep going on like this,” Yuuri feels like a weight has lifted off his shoulders. And Viktor looks happier than he’s been in a long time.

 

“Of course, we’re going to work through this. We can go to marriage counseling, anything you want. I’m not going to lose you, I’ll do whatever it takes. Thank you for coming back to me. So much, thank you.”

 

They take each others faces in their hands and gaze into each others eyes. The empty holes they’d been walking around with were finally filling themselves in. Still desperate for more, they embrace. They squeeze themselves together as tight as they possibly can, and when that still isn’t enough, they bring their lips together. Serenity comes to them for the first time in a while. It’s been so long. Too long. They slowly make their way to the bedroom without breaking their lips apart. Makkachin who was sleeping on the end of the bed, is awoken and runs to the living-room.

 

They kiss for a long time. It’s been so long since they felt so connected. They’d been intimate a few weeks ago sure, but somehow this is different. They had been together physically, and finally, they’re together completely.

 

Viktor loves Yuuri so much. He doesn’t know what he did to earn this second chance, he doesn’t know what he did to get Yuuri to turn around. That won’t stop him from thanking every deity know to mankind.

 

They break apart for a few moments to mutter their love in different tongues. Yuuri moves on top of Viktor, for once feeling like he’s wanted there. He stares at Viktor.

 

“I will love you forever, Vitya,” Yuuri whispers in Viktor’s face. His breath catches in his throat. The last time Yuuri called him that was in January. Fresh tears start falling again only this time, he’s happy. He doesn’t know how else to respond so he pulls at the end of Yuuri’s shirt. It’s on the floor in seconds, and soon enough, the rest of their clothes join it. Yuuri smashes his mouth against Viktor’s. Hours later, when they’re both exhausted and so full of love, Yuuri doesn’t turn away. He lays his head on Viktor’s chest, sweaty skin on sweaty skin, and listens to his pounding heartbeat. He smiles. Just above his head, Viktor is smiling, too. They fall asleep like that.

 

They still have things to work through, but they can only move forward from here.

**Author's Note:**

> You can read this in Russian! Thank you to MrsLadyNight for translating it!


End file.
